Reaping the Whirlwind
by Wonderkin
Summary: Through war, death and grief, across time and continents, two broken people fall in love under the most unlikely of circumstances. An all-human Jasper and Bella love story. Rated M for possible violence and adult situations.
1. Prologue

_**A/N: Apparently, I'm a masochist. I can barely find the time to sleep, let alone write, and yet here I am, starting another story. This idea has been bouncing around in my head for ages now, and I knew if I didn't get a little bit of it down on paper soon, there was a chance I would never write it. I can't tell you how fast updates will come, and if there's no response to it whatsoever, I'll take it as a sign that it was never meant to be in the first place. But I had to try.**_

_**I'm sure some of you will be confused by what you're about to read, but please understand that the prologue is just a tiny glimpse of what will come to pass further down the road. If you've read any of my other stories, you know I'm all about the happily ever after, even if it means a little heartache has to happen first. If you choose to stick with me, I promise to make it worth your while.**_

_**A few things of note...first, this is not an Edward and Bella story. I've jumped outside of my comfort zone and, more than likely, many of yours as well. This is a story about Jasper and Bella, and as of right now, it will all be told from Jasper's point of view. It's All-Human, and while there may be some canon pairings and situations, I'll make no promises that it will tow the Twilight line completely.**_

_**So read, and then please tell me what you think. I'll take your silence as your way of telling me not to pursue this any further.**_

_**SM owns all things Twilight. **_

**Prologue**

There's an old saying about letting go of someone you love. You know the one. It says that if they return to you, they were always yours, and if they don't, they were never yours to begin with. But life is often more complicated than that. People make decisions every day that can change the course of the future, and we are sometimes powerless to stop certain events once they are put into motion. As humans we are often in no more control of our destinies than we are of the weather.

We can organize our lives in to nice little compartments and make plans for the directions we want them to go in. We can plant the seeds of a life and watch while it grows. We can shelter, nourish and tend to it in an effort to ensure the best possible outcome. We can even hope and pray. But it's not only our choices that shape our lives. Our paths, in the end, are never truly our own.

Those thoughts consumed me as I stood there in that godforsaken hospital, watching as my entire world came crashing down around me. I felt helpless as she was whisked away from me, bloodied and broken, and I began chanting "Please God, not again," over and over. I'd had more than my fair share of people ripped away from me in my lifetime, and if she left, I knew for certain would never recover from it.

I sunk to my knees, wailing as the thoughts of all the things I would miss out on came crashing down on me. _I'd never see her smile at me again. I'd never touch her again. I'd never hear her laughter again. I'd never make love to her again. I'd never marry her, and I'd never be a father to our children._ I knew that if she died, I would die, too, because she was the only woman in the world I would ever want to share any of that with.

And then, as if fate hadn't been cruel enough to me, another horrible thought struck. She was _his_ long before she became _mine_. If the old saying was true, was it then possible that she would be returning to the one she truly belonged to? My mind instantly squashed that ridiculous notion, but my heart...my heart ached at the thought. Maybe it was her destiny to be with him all along.

"No!" I shouted into the empty corridor. "She's mine!"

I buried my face in my hands and whispered to my friend...the man who held her heart before me. I had always turned to him for help and guidance, and even though he was no longer at my side, I spoke aloud to him as if he were. "Edward, I need your help. I know I promised you I'd take care of her, and I know you have got to be pretty pissed at me right now for letting you down, but I'm going to ask you for this favor anyways. If you see her, turn her around and send her back to me. Make her stay here with me, man, because I can't live without her. You know better than anyone that we've all lost too much already."

And then, looking up at the yellowed tiles of the ceiling, I pleaded with him loudly, screaming so that my voice would reach the heavens. "I know you're watching over us from up there, and I know that if you can do anything to help us, you will. Please, make her come home, Edward. I love her."

My body shook violently as my sobs rocked through me and my knees ached from resting against the cold tile of the hospital floor. Unable to hold itself up any longer under the weight of my grief, my body fell further on to the floor. Instinctively, my knees curled in to my chest and I clutched my arms tightly around my waist. I couldn't tell you how long it was that I laid there before someone finally came for me.

"Get up, son," a soft, familiar voice said from above me. I felt his reassuring hand touch my shoulder, and I lifted one of mine to take it. He helped heave my limp body off of the floor and then rested his hands against my arms.

"General, Sir. I'm so, so sorry," I said weakly. I didn't want to look him in the eye for fear of what I would see there. I had no composure left, and I wouldn't have wanted to fake it, even if I could.

"Son, I'm not talking to you as an officer right now. I'm talking to you as her father. I know you did everything you could to get her out of there. None of this is your fault." He paused, took a deep breath and continued. "Jasper, I...I need you to be strong right now. I can't do this alone."

I saw the tears pooling in his eyes, and for the first time in my life, I witnessed a Marine break down. "Charlie," I whispered as I fell into his arms. "She can't die, Charlie. She just...she...she can't."

We held each other for a long moment before finally stepping apart. "C'mon, Jasper," he said, his voice thick with emotion. He clapped a hand on top of my shoulder and turned me around. "Let's go sit down. She'll be in surgery for hours, and all we can do now is wait and have faith that they're doing everything they can for her."

I trudged beside him through the doors that led to the waiting room and took a seat in a hard, plastic chair. Resting my head back against the wall, I shut my eyes and allowed my mind to wander to thoughts of a beautiful heart-shaped face, deep brown eyes, full, pink lips and long mahogany hair.

"I love you, Bella. Come back to me," I said aloud in the open room. I could only pray that somehow, some way, she would me.


	2. Some Will Return

_**A/N: So, I decided to keep going with this, and I won't stop until the ideas run dry. I'm venturing into uncharted territory here. Usually, I write straight from my head, never using an outline or planning things beyond the next chapter. Because of the nature of the characters and locations in this story, a little preparation and research needed to be done. Stick with me here, kids, and if I get some minor details wrong, forgive me. This is FanFiction, after all. If I was a published author, I'd have an army of people to do the research for me. Keep that in mind when you send me your thoughts.**_

_**In case you were wondering about the story title, and that of the chapters, I am using snippets of translations from the book of Hosea. I am not, in any way, shape or form a religious person, but while doing some research on the title, I found certain phrases very fitting. We'll see how long that lasts.**_

_**As usual, I don't own Twilight. SM does.**_

* * *

**Chapter One**

**Some Will Return**

"Whitlock!" my commanding officer screamed. "Get your ass in gear. You fly out in less than two hours."

I had just finished packing for my trip back to The States, and was waiting impatiently for transport to the airfield. I had completed my final tour of duty in Iraq, and I was grateful that I had seen the last of my combat days. I had witnessed enough death and destruction to last a lifetime.

"I'm ready, Sir," I replied. He didn't need me to explain further. He understood the double meaning behind my words.

"We'll miss you around here, Gunner," he said, clapping me on the back. "In all my years, I've never met a sharper shooter. Quantico is lucky to be getting you."

"Thank you, Sir. I'd really like to say I'll miss you, but I typically don't make a habit of lying to my superior officers."

He laughed heartily and scratched his scruffy chin. "Get your ass out of my camp before I call the MP's and have you dragged off base."

I raised my hands in a gesture of defeat before taking a step back and saluting him. "It was an honor sir. Take care of yourself."

"And you as well," he replied, returning the salute. "Good luck to you son."

Once dismissed, I exited my quarters, and I didn't look back.

* * *

I was about four hours into my flight to Heathrow Airport when the Captain announced that, due to severe weather in London, all connecting flights were either being delayed or canceled. I chuckled to myself, thinking that even when I wanted to go home, something always prevented me from getting there. It was the story of my life.

I wasn't really bothered by it, though. It wasn't as if I had anyone to go home to. My mother and father passed away several years before, and besides Emmett, I knew practically no one in Virginia. But I couldn't wait to get back on American soil.

Of all my tours, the last one had been the hardest. I'd chosen to go back for my second, thinking that pouring myself into my work would help me get over my grief, but it only served to remind me of everything I'd lost. By my third and final one, I was on autopilot. I focused and did my job, but in the process, lost a bit of my humanity, and I still had yet to face my pain. I had a feeling that once back in The States and all on my own, I'd finally be forced to deal with it. Deep down, I knew I had to, but I wasn't looking forward to it.

I didn't think I would ever come to terms with Edward's death, and I cringed as the constant ache in my chest intensified. It always happened when I thought of him. Knowing that it should have been me blown to pieces on the road that day instead of him...the guilt was overwhelming. He had everything and everyone waiting for him back at home. I had no one to mourn my loss...no home to go back to. It couldn't wrap my brain around the senselessness of it all. Not for the first time, I wished I could go back and replay the events of that day. Knowing at that point what I didn't know way back then, the choices I made would have been entirely different.

I was pulled from my thoughts as the flight attendant announced the beginning of our descent into London. They called out the delays and cancellations of the many connecting flights and hearing mine, I knew I'd have to find somewhere to sleep that night. While I'd slept in shittier places in my lifetime, I really didn't feel like spending the night at Heathrow.

Because of the time change, there was still daylight in London, so when we landed and I had claimed my bag, I headed directly to the hotel information booth. I would worry about changing my flight later. My main concern was booking a room before the entire city was sold out of accommodations.

As luck would have it, I was able to make a reservation for a hotel in South Kensington, an area I was relatively familiar with from my many visits to London. I stopped at the currency exchange first, then walked out to grab a taxi and was on my way to the hotel within minutes. The snow was coming down heavily, which was rare for London, so the ride took much longer than it should have. It always amazed me how whole cities could be practically shut down just because they weren't used to a little bit of inclement weather.

Finally arriving at the hotel, I chuckled when I read it's full name on the sign in front...The Edwardian Vanderbilt. I looked up at the sky, snowflakes hitting my face and lashes, and grinned. "Still looking out for me, aren't you, Edward?"

* * *

I took a shower almost the very moment I entered my room, thrilling at the feel of the pressure and heat of the water against my skin. After spending so many years in the military, a good shower was a luxury, and one I happily took advantage of. The whole "shit, shower and shave in under five minutes" scenario would no longer apply to my life.

I tried to take a nap, but sleep, as usual, evaded me. I turned on the television, but found nothing remotely entertaining to watch. I hadn't been to a good book store in years, relying solely on the shitty selection at the PX for reading material, so I had nothing with me to read, either.

I thought I might possibly take a walk, but changed my mind abruptly after looking out the window. A blanket of white covered everything, and while I welcomed the cold after so many years of the searing desert heat, I didn't feel like trudging through the snow. My options were limited, so I decided to head downstairs to the bar, in search of another thing I had greatly missed...a decent beer.

The bar was bustling with people who, like me, were stuck in London for an undetermined amount of time. I found a single bar stool and sat down, waiting patiently for the obviously overwhelmed bartender to appear before me.

"What'll it be, mate?" he asked.

"Pint of Beamish, please," I replied, setting my money on the bar.

"American?" he asked, eying the cash as he placed my beer in front of me.

I chuckled. "How could you tell?"

"Leaving money in a pile on the bar is an exclusively American thing," he said, laughing.

"Old habits die hard, I guess." I left the small change on the bar and placed the bills back in my wallet.

I sat quietly for a while, eavesdropping now and then on the conversations going on around me, and when I had finished my first beer, the bartender set another in front of me. "That's on the young lady at the end of the bar." He nodded in the direction of a tall redhead, winked at me and walked off to serve another customer. I raised my glass at her, silently offering my gratitude, and took a long pull from the glass.

I knew I wasn't up for company, and to be honest, she wasn't exactly my type, but it seemed I'd have no choice in the matter. She was slowly making her way through the crowd of people, heading straight for me.

"Hi," I smiled. "Thank you for the beer."

"Hello, yourself," she replied with a thick Irish accent. "I'm Victoria, and you're very welcome."

"I'm Jasper. Nice to meet you." I extended my hand to greet her, and noticed her sway slightly as she took it.

She leaned in closer, her voice barely audible over the crowd. "Would you like some company?"

I could smell the alcohol on her breath through her slurred speech, and as I took in her glassy eyes and unsteady movements, I wished I was anywhere else but there at that particular moment. It wasn't in my nature to be rude, though, so I answered her question. "Actually, I'm waiting for someone."

I hated lying to anyone, even a complete stranger, but I really didn't want to get stuck taking care of a drunk woman for the entirety of the evening. I pulled my hand away from hers, noticing the frown on her face at the loss of contact. I smiled at her, hoping to soften the blow, and she quickly rearranged her face into a look of what I assumed to be fierce determination. She lifted her hand and ran one long fingernail across my shoulder and down my arm. "Well, I wouldn't mind keeping you busy until your friend gets here."

"Actually, I can take it from here," a sweet voice said from behind her.

Victoria whipped around to see the person who had spoken to her, and as she turned, my breathing quickened and my heart began pounding loudly in my chest.

"I'm so sorry I'm late Jasper," she said, stepping in front of Victoria and placing a kiss on my cheek.

"It's okay," I managed to mutter, playing along. My nerves were so shattered I was shocked that I was able to speak at all. "Victoria here has been nice enough to chat with me until you got here."

She smiled brightly at the woman. "Thanks so much for keeping him company, Victoria. Have a lovely night." It was a clear dismissal, and Victoria immediately turned and stalked off.

I sat there in stunned silence, staring at the woman standing in front of me. She grinned at me before stepping forward and placing her tiny arms around my neck.

"Jasper," she whispered into my ear as she hugged me.

"Bella," I said quietly as I enveloped her in my arms.

* * *

Something in me had shifted. I couldn't put my finger on it, either what it was, or what caused it, but there was a change nonetheless the moment I put my arms around her. I felt like I was in the midst of a life-altering event; something monumental had just happened to me, but the edges were still blurred and the exact nature of it was undefined. All I knew was that I felt..._different_.

My senses were overwhelmed as I held her. I could feel each individual strand of her long hair brushing against the back of my hand. Her heartbeat pounded loudly in my ears, a strong and distinct rhythm separate and detectable from my own. I could smell the scent of her shampoo and the perfume at her pulse points. And the warmth of her...it was radiating through me, so hot that I felt I might melt at her touch.

It scared the hell out of me. _She_ scared the hell out of me. She was a strong tie to memories of the past that I had yet to deal with emotionally. In her presence, they immediately bubbled to the surface, and it took all the strength I had to push them back down, deep inside the chasm of despair that sat in my chest. The last thing I wanted was to burden her with my emotions. I'd hurt her so much already, just by being alive.

I pulled back from our embrace, needing the space to clear my mind of the thoughts I was having. When I saw her face and the tears spilling down and over her cheeks, my heart, or at least what was left of it, broke.

"Please don't cry, Bella," I soothed. "I can't stand to see you so sad."

A small grin spread across her face at my words. It both confused me and allowed me a bit of hope that my very presence wasn't causing her as much pain as it probably should. "I'm not sad, Jasper. I'm so happy to see you. I promise, they're happy tears."

Relief washed over me, and then confusion again. "How can you be happy to see me, Bella? I...I...God, I can't even say it."

"Jasper," she sighed, placing one of her fingers over my lips, "Stop."

I hung my head, ashamed of myself for reminding her of her pain. I knew how badly I hurt at the thought of Edward. For her, the grief had to have been crippling. "I'm sorry, Bella. I'm just...I'm so shocked to see you here, and I don't know how I'm supposed to behave around you."

"Come here," she said, extending one of her little hands. I took it in mine and allowed her to lead me to a small couch across the room, right next to a burning fireplace. She sat down and pulled me along with her. Facing me, she placed her free hand against my cheek and I leaned into the warmth of her touch.

"Jasper, we were friends once. A lot has happened since then, but it doesn't mean we can't be again." Her voice was gentle and soothing, and it wrapped around me, comforting me.

"I've missed you," I whispered. "I've missed so much..." I couldn't continue. The emotions swirling around inside me were threatening to surface once again, and for both our sake's, I needed to tamp that shit down immediately.

Bella looked at me then, sweetness emanating from her big brown eyes. "So, let's start over, shall we?" she asked.

I nodded and, noticing her smiling brightly at me, relaxed minutely.

"Why don't you begin by telling me what you're doing here?"

And so I told her of my being grounded by bad weather, of my second and third tours in Iraq, and how I'd recently been assigned to be an instructor at the Sniper Scout training school at Quantico.

She was grinning from ear to ear as I said that I'd be relocating to Virginia. "You've got to be shitting me," she beamed.

"Why is that?" I asked, perplexed by her reaction.

"Because I live in D.C.," she replied. "I suppose we'll be able to see a good deal of each other now that you're moving back to The States."

My heart nearly split in two at her words. One part of me was thrilled about the possibilities of gaining some semblance of our friendship back, but the other part, the more dominant part of me, worried that seeing her more frequently would bring the pain I had yet to deal with more quickly to the surface. I was excited and scared shitless all at once.

Needing a break from those thoughts, I turned the conversation to her. "So now that you know what I'm doing here, why don't you tell me why you're here?" We settled back against the couch as she began to speak.

"I'm here for a conference, actually. I've been working with the ICRC for a few years now as a counselor, and I'm attending an international symposium on women and children in wartime situations."

"What's the ICRC?" I asked.

"The International Committee of the Red Cross," she replied.

"Wow," I stated, dumbfounded. "I had no idea."

"Yeah, well, after Edward died, I sort of needed something to throw myself into. Something else to focus on besides the grief, you know?" I winced and recoiled at her words, but before I could follow along with where my thoughts were leading me, she stopped me dead in my tracks.

"Don't Jas. Don't do that," she demanded.

"How can I not? Whether you want to admit it or not, it's my fault he's dead. It's my fault you're sitting here with me instead of him. _It's my fault!_"

I couldn't help the tears that flooded my eyes. Years and years of pain began expelling itself from my body, and I was powerless to stop it. Bella's arms were around me instantly, rocking me gently as her hands smoothed up and down my back.

"How can you be so nice to me?" I sobbed against her shoulder. "How can you not hate me?"

She pulled away and placed her hands on my shoulders. I kept my eyes on my lap, unable to face her gaze. "Look at me, Jasper," she begged.

I lifted my eyes, the fear of what I would see reflected back at me gripping me and threatening to crush me. What I found instead was kindness.

"I'm going to say this to you once, and only once, okay?" she asked, and I nodded, still unable to speak. "I do not blame you for his death. I never did, and I never will. If there's anyone to blame, it's the monster who built that I.E.D."

I shook my head, unable to comprehend her thought process. If the shoe had been on the other foot, I'm pretty sure I would have been harboring nothing but hatred and ill will, but then, she had always been a better person than me. "But he wasn't supposed to be on point that day," I choked out. "If I hadn't...Oh, God! It _should_ have been me!"

She pulled me to her again, rocking me gently and whispering words of compassion. Words I didn't earn or deserve, yet somehow soothed the ache in my chest. "Enough, now," she murmured. "Enough. I want to talk about this with you again, but now isn't the time."

I nodded against her shoulder, embarrassed at soaking her shirt. She pulled away from me and looked at me again. "Are we okay, now?" she asked.

"Yes," I muttered. "Thank you for being so...so understanding. I don't know if I deserve it, but thank you, nonetheless."

We sat in silence for a moment, neither of us apparently knowing what to say to the other. Bella was the one who finally spoke first. "So, how long will you be in London?"

I chuckled and shook my head. "I have no idea. My flight was canceled, and I forgot to check in with the airline to see when I could get another one."

She looked thoughtful for a moment, her eyes never moving from her hands in her lap. "I have to be here for a few more days, before I head to Africa for two weeks. Would you...would you consider staying a few days? I mean, I have to be at the conference during the day tomorrow, but then I have a few days to myself before leaving. I'd like the opportunity to get to know you again, Jasper."

She looked up at me then, her big eyes in no way concealing her nervousness behind them. I sat quietly for a time, taking in her beautiful features and realized that no matter how hard it would be to be around her, she would always be tied to me, and because of that, I could deny her nothing.

"Okay," I agreed quietly.

"Okay?" she grinned.

"Yes, I'll stay."

Bella threw her arms around my neck, whispering her thanks, and I couldn't help but notice how good it felt to have her embracing me. I quickly shook off those thoughts, reminding myself that she was Edward's girl, and I had no business thinking of her like that.

"So," she began, "I don't know about you, but I'm pretty wiped out. I think I'm going to head to bed. Walk me to my room?"

I nodded and let her lead me to the small elevator just outside the bar. We stopped on the third floor and I laughed when she stood outside room 306.

"What's so funny?" she asked.

"I'm in 308," I chuckled.

"You know what that means, Jas?" she asked, looking at me with a serious expression. I simply shook my head.

"It means we were supposed to see each other again. It was fate stepping in," she continued.

I grinned at her, realizing that it was probably so much more than that. Considering the events of the day – the flight cancellations, the name of the hotel, my impromptu reunion with Bella – I knew something bigger than fate was at work. I had never been one to believe in the supernatural, but taking account of what happened that day, I wasn't so willing to dismiss the idea that Edward had plans for us both.

"So," I said, taking a step closer to her and gripping one of her hands in mine. "Thanks for saving me from Victoria tonight."

She smiled radiantly at me. "Any time, Jasper."

"Goodnight, Bella. Knock on my door before you leave tomorrow and we'll make plans. Sleep well." And then, without thought, I bent forward and kissed her cheek.

I heard her sigh, and I pulled back, hoping that I hadn't crossed a line. Her closed eyes told me that I had, in fact, not.

"Sweet dreams, Jasper," she said before turning and opening her door.

I stood there until the door was closed behind her, then made my way to my own room, right next door. I stripped off my clothes and got in bed, staring at the ceiling and replaying the events of the day on a constant loop in my mind.

Before I let sleep take me, I looked up one more time and whispered into the air, "I hope you know what you're doing, here, buddy, because I sure as hell don't."


	3. Door of Hope

_**A/N: I'll admit it. I honestly didn't think anyone would read this story. Color me shocked when I found that not only were you reading it, but actually enjoying it. Thank you for the kind words of support for those of you who have left reviews. I'm very much grateful for them. So much so, in fact, that I'll definitely be continuing on with this story.**_

_**SM owns all things Twilight. I'm tired of Edward and Bella pairings, and so while they may be her characters, I am the happy owner of this story line.**_

* * *

**Chapter Two**

**Door of Hope**

I awoke to a soft rapping against my hotel room door. Bright sunlight was streaming through the windows, and I smiled to myself. First snow, then sun. Hell must have been freezing over in jolly old England. Neither were very common in London, to be sure. And then, of course, I briefly considered the fact that Edward was trying to tell me something. Something along the lines of, "I got you here, and I've provided you with a ray of hope. Now all you have to do is not fuck it up."

_Yeah, that sounds exactly like something he would have said,_ I thought, smiling to myself.

I rose from the bed, shouting "Just a minute," then pulled on my jeans and walked over to the door. When I opened it, I found Bella standing there. She was smiling, but it quickly turned to something dark...something sad. That was the moment I realized I'd forgotten to put on my shirt. I looked down at my chest, seeing the multitude of scars across it, and winced at my own stupidity.

"I'm so sorry, Bella," I said. "Your knocking woke me, and I guess I just forgot to put on a shirt. Just give me a sec-"

Before I could finish my sentence and turn around, she stepped forward and took one of my hands in her own. She lifted her free hand to my chest and, staring at my body, traced her fingers over what had become my own personal and constant reminder of that terrible day.

"Was this from...from?" she tried to ask. She looked up at me, tears pooling in her eyes.

I nodded, too confused and overwhelmed to speak.

"I'm so sorry, Jasper," she whispered, pulling me into a tight embrace. "I knew you'd been badly injured that day, but I just...I guess that with all that's happened since then, I had forgotten that you nearly died, too."

I lifted my hand and stroked her hair, attempting to soothe her in any small way I could. I wasn't the one who deserved to comfort her, but I couldn't stop myself. She needed me in that moment, even if I was the cause of all of her pain.

"Shh, Bella," I murmured as I tucked her head under my chin. "It'll be okay. I'm here, and I'm alright."

I heard her sniffle, and then looked at her face as she pulled herself back from my arms. Emotions I could not recognize flitted across her face for an instant, then were replaced with a soft smile. I lifted my hands to wipe her tears away from her beautiful heart-shaped face. Her skin, so pale and soft, felt like silk under my fingertips, and I was briefly stunned by it. It had been years since I'd touched a woman like that.

"I'm so sorry," she said softly. "I haven't lost it like that in a long time. Just seeing your scars...it brought back some of the sadness I thought I had dealt with so long ago."

I couldn't believe she was apologizing to me. It was because of me that she had to rebuild her shattered life. Hell, it was because of me that she had tears in her eyes to begin with. I suddenly realized that I owed her an enormous debt, one I would work every day to repay. I couldn't bring Edward back to Bella, but I could look out for her and be there for her whenever she needed someone. It was the very, very least I could do.

"Please don't apologize. You have nothing to be sorry for." I pulled her into the room and sat her on the edge of the bed, then handed her a tissue so she could wipe the remains of her tears from her face.

I knew we needed to ease the tension that was present in the room, so I quickly changed subjects. "So, how long will the conference take today?"

She sniffled slightly before giving me a small smile and replying. "We should be done around five o'clock, and then we are free to enjoy our weekend. That is, of course, if you still want to."

_She said "We."_

_She said "Our."_

Those words were completely foreign concepts to me. _"Me"_ and _"Mine"_ I understood very well after years on my own. But _"We"_ and _"Our?"_ I was baffled by them, and yet suddenly, they were something I very much desired in my life. A rush of calm swept over me after my initial shock at hearing them, and I grinned widely at her.

Bella was staring at me, confused by what must have looked like a deranged array of emotions crossing my face. Before I knew what I was doing, I had taken her hand in mine again and stared deeply into her beautiful brown eyes. "Of course I still want to, Bella. I have never wanted anything more."

I thought for a moment that I may have said too much – been too forward - but the corners of her mouth began to curve upwards, and soon, her smile and eyes shone brightly. Relief flooded through me at the very sight of her. It was such a strange feeling, knowing that my emotions were so closely tied to her own. I'd never experienced anything like it. I knew I should have been afraid of it and of what it meant, but I couldn't find it in me to care. She was truly amazing, and although I knew it was selfish of me – and that I didn't deserve to breathe the same air as her – I wanted more than anything to be as close to her as she would allow.

"Good," she whispered, and then much more strongly, said, "That's good. So, can I meet you here at six o'clock and then we can maybe go to an early dinner? I'll want to freshen up first before we head out."

"That sounds great," I replied. "Just come over whenever you're ready. I'll be here."

She stood from the bed and gave my hand a gentle squeeze before letting it go. "So, what will you do all day?"

I laughed, because I had absolutely no idea. I thought about it a moment before responding. "Well, I guess I should start by arranging to stay in the hotel a little longer, and reserving a flight back home."

"When do you think you'll leave?" she asked, her eyes suddenly everywhere except upon my face.

"Um, I guess I'll go when you do...unless you will want some time on your own?"

""No, no. Please stay as long as you want," she replied quickly. "I fly out Monday afternoon. I'd like it very much if you would stay until then." Her eyes were finally locked with mine, looking for all the world as if they were pleading with me. I couldn't understand why that would be, but it made me happy all the same. For the first time in a long time, I felt pleasure coursing through me instead of guilt.

"Monday it is, then." I smiled. It was Thursday. That gave me three whole days to spend with her. A small amount of time in the grand scheme of things, but I already knew that I'd cherish each one for the rest of my days. If they were all I would ever have with her, I would be content.

She graced me with another of her lovely smiles, and then shocked me by leaning in and placing a gentle kiss on my cheek. "I'm so happy I found you here, Jasper. I'm looking forward to this weekend more than I can possibly express. I'll see you soon."

Too dazed to speak, I simply nodded and rose to lead her to the door. I took her hand once more and squeezed it gently before opening the door. I leaned against the frame, watching her until she stepped in the elevator, leaving me with a small wave of her hand.

When I came back in the room, I fell onto the bed and pulled a pillow over my face. My mind was racing, still completely unable to comprehend the situation I found myself in. My brain was screaming at me, telling me that the thoughts I was having about Bella were so very wrong. My heart, however, was screaming just the opposite. _But which to listen to,_ I thought.

I was having a difficult time reconciling the feelings I had for her with the ever-present guilt, and yet I couldn't help the hope that continued to rise to the surface with every breath I took. Could I allow myself this? Could I allow myself to hope? It seemed my heart was winning out over my mind, because the answer – the only answer that repeated itself over and over - was and unequivocal and resounding _"yes."_

But what was it that I was hoping for?

_Forgiveness?_ Definitely. Although she had already said there was nothing to forgive, in my heart, I knew different. But that wasn't it exactly.

_Re-kindled friendship?_ Certainly. The days I spent with her and Edward would always be some of my fondest memories. She was a true friend even back then. But still...

And then it hit me. What I found myself truly hoping for was so much more than that. _No!_ I thought. She was Edward's girl, and I could not possibly entertain that notion. And then from somewhere deep inside me, the faintest voice asked, _"Could I?"_

* * *

Having thought myself to death, I decided it was time to get up and do something – anything – to get my mind off of Bella for a while. I took a long, hot shower and after that, carefully shaved my face. I avoided looking at my eyes any longer than I had to while shaving for fear of what I would see reflected back at me. I knew that if I did, the crazy thoughts and emotions would be stirred back to life and I would never make it out of the room.

After dressing, I called the front desk and made arrangements to check out that coming Monday morning. I called the airline next and booked a flight into D.C. later that afternoon. It took me all of thirty minutes, and when I was done, I was once again at a loss for what to do with the rest of my afternoon.

Since I was on leave for the next month before taking up my post at Quantico, I had no one to immediately report to. I realized instantly how pathetic I was. I could literally have fallen of the face of the earth, and no one would even stop to think to look for me. No one to miss me...no one to mourn my loss. Even Alice wouldn't care.

_Fuck,_ I thought. _Do not go there right now._

I nearly smacked myself for wallowing, because deep down, I knew that wasn't entirely true. I did have Emmett and Rose, but the truth of the matter was that while they might be sad if I wasn't around anymore, they would still carry on. They both had each other, their children and their respective careers. Eventually, they would go on with me, too.

Spurred on by my thoughts of Emmett, I decided to call him while it was still early enough back home. If anyone could talk me through all of the stormy emotions I was feeling, it would be him.

The phone rang across the line about six times before a very out of breath Emmett answered. "Hello?" he huffed into the receiver. I could hear his kids making a racket in the background, followed by Rose's booming voice, yelling at them to stop running in the house.

"Sounds like a war-zone over there, buddy," I laughed.

"You have no idea. I saw less action in Iraq," he chuckled. "How are you, Jasper? You in town yet? Should I have Rosie make up the guest room?"

"Well, that's part of what I'm calling about," I began. "My connecting flight out of Heathrow got canceled because of the shitty weather and I've decided to stay in London for a few days. I'll be home late Monday."

"That's cool. You deserve the time to yourself. I'm sure you need the break," he stated.

"That's the other part of why I was calling..." I trailed off, not exactly knowing where to start this part of the conversation.

"Spill it, Gunner," he said. "I can hear the wheels turning in your brain. What's going on?"

"I'm not exactly alone here," I stammered quickly.

"And this person you're not exactly alone with...are they of the female persuasion?" He was teasing me, but I couldn't laugh with him. Once he heard who it was, I was sure he wouldn't be laughing either.

"Uh, actually...yes," I replied. Still unprepared to say her name out loud.

"Hell yeah!" Emmett boomed. "It's about time you got back on the horse, Whitlock."

"There will be no getting on any horses, here, Em. That I can promise you," I said quietly.

"And why the hell not, Jasper?" he practically shouted.

"Because I'm here with Bella," I blurted out.

There was a long moment of silence before I heard him take a deep breath and exhale sharply. "How?" he asked, and I knew what he was getting at.

"I have no idea," I replied. "One minute a drunken red-head was throwing herself at me at the hotel bar, and then Bella was saving me from her the next. It was...it is still all so surreal."

"What is she doing there?" he asked.

"Attending a conference. Did you know that she works for the ICRC?"

"Yeah. Rose and I keep in touch with her. Well, as much as her crazy travel schedule will allow, anyways," he replied with a hint of sadness in his voice. I knew Emmett felt as if she was always the little sister he never had. He must have missed her terribly. "So, how are you dealing with seeing her?"

"It's so hard, Em. I mean, how does one go about apologizing for being the reason someone's fiance is dead?" I asked. "I'm having a tough time even looking her in the eye."

Emmett growled. "Goddammit, Jasper. Stop that shit right now. You are not responsible for his death any more than I am and you know it. You need to get past that, ASAP."

I shook my head. "That's what Bella said, but, _fuck_, I can't help feeling this way. If I hadn't been so torn up, if I hadn't been such a pussy, Edward wouldn't have been on point that day. He'd still be alive, Emmett. _He'd still be alive!_"

"Yeah, he would be," he screamed into the phone, "_And you'd be dead_. Tell me, Jasper, how is that any better?"

"Edward had a family, Em. He had Bella, and people to come home to. I had no one. It should have been me, Emmett! _It should have been me!_"

"Listen to me, jackass, and listen closely, 'cause I'm only going to say this once." He took a deep breath, and I steeled myself against what he was about to say. "What that little bitch did to you was unforgivable. It fucked you up in the head. There was no way in hell you could have performed your duties properly that day. Edward knew it then, just like I still know it now. None of this is your fault. What happened was a horrible, tragic thing, and I miss him every day of my damned life. But it is life, and fucked up shit happens all the time. All we can do is pick up the pieces and move forward. I've done it. Rosie's done it. The Cullens have done it. Even Bella has done it. It's time for you to do it, too."

"But..."

"But nothing," he interrupted. "Let me ask you one thing, Jasper, and I want you to answer me honestly. If the shoe were on the other foot, if Bella had done to Edward what Alice did to you, would you have reacted the same as Edward did? Would you have taken point because you knew deep down in your soul that he wouldn't be able to think straight enough to do his job properly? Tell me Jasper, what would you have done if the situation had been reversed?"

His words hit me with the force of a Mack truck speeding down a highway. I had never looked at it from that perspective before, and shivers ran up and down my spine as I considered my response.

I took a deep breath and replied. "I would have done exactly the same thing he did."

I heard Emmett sigh. "So, if that's the case, Jas, how can you honestly blame yourself?"

"I don't know," I replied. "I've never thought about it like that. I need to think about it some more."

"Good," he said vehemently. "Think long and hard about it. And in the meantime, try to enjoy yourself a little, will you?"

I chuckled. "I will. Thank you, Emmett."

"Hey, what's a brother for?" he asked, laughing. "So, what's the deal with you and Bella? Are you going to spend the weekend together?"

_How do I respond to that?_ I thought. I knew I wasn't yet prepared to explain the feelings I was having for her, so I only told him the basics.

"Well, she's done with her conference this afternoon, and is spending a few days here before heading to Africa for a few weeks. She asked me if I wanted to stay the weekend and spend some time getting to know one another again."

"Fuck!" he shouted, and it took me off guard.

"What, Emmett? What's wrong?" I asked.

"She's going back?"

"To Africa? Yes, that's what she told me." His reaction and question worried me for reasons I couldn't exactly comprehend.

"Goddammit! I asked her not to go back there right now," he growled. "It's too fucking dangerous."

"Uh, Emmett, where exactly is this 'there' you're referring to?" An uneasy feeling was settling in the pit of my stomach. I knew I wouldn't like the next words that would come out of his mouth.

"Sudan, Jasper. She's going back to Darfur."


	4. Go Again, Love a Woman

_**A/N: Wow. Just wow. I'm just going to come right out and say it. The reviews that have come in since the last chapter have really blown me away. They're insightful and incredibly smart. I don't think I've ever seen anything like it in my little corner of FF. Thank you all very much. I may be awful at replying (damned internet usage policy at work) to them, but I do read every single one, and they make me smile. I'm loving all the guessing and theorizing. It completely motivates me to write more!**_

_**I want to ask all of you to be patient with me. I know y'all love some lovin', but I'm trying to go to a different place with this story, and because of the sad nature of their lives, Jasper and Bella will need to sort things out a bit before they consider doing the deed. I'm hoping you'll stick with me until they get there...because trust me, they will. Just hang in there with me and try to enjoy the ride.**_

_**Special thanks to Clurrabella, who has not only pimped me out like crazy, but peppered me with kind words and thoughts through every step of the way so far. Much love to you from across the pond, sweetheart.**_

_**As usual, SM owns all things Twilight. I own Gunnery Sergeant Whitlock, thank you very much.**_

_**Oh, and one more thing...I've placed a few links on my profile. When I think of the Jasper in this story, sadly, it isn't Jackson. He's too damned thin. But I think you'll like my idea of this Jasper just as well. Nom, nom, nom. Go. Clicky, clicky. Mama likey.**_

* * *

**Chapter Three**

**Go Again, Love a Woman**

After I hung up with Emmett, I couldn't stop pacing the room. I tried to wrap my brain around why Bella would actually choose to go to some place so dangerous, but came up with nothing. No one in their right mind would willing walk into the mouth of Hell without good reason...unless, of course, they had a death wish.

That last thought stopped me dead in my tracks. It was a concept I was all too familiar with, having done the same thing myself by going back not once, but twice to Iraq. Again, the guilt consumed me. Was that what it was all about for her? Was she so broken by Edward's passing that she was repeatedly willing to look death in the face? While I dreaded the thought of it, I could certainly empathize.

"No," I said aloud to the empty room. That couldn't possibly be the reason, and I promised myself I would get to the bottom of it.

If there was one thing I knew for certain, it was that Edward would never have approved of her current career choice. He was fiercely protective of her, and would often attempt to put his foot down when she wanted to do something he deemed too dangerous. I couldn't blame him. If she had been mine, I would have tried to do everything possible to ensure her safety, too. _Maybe I should try to talk her out of it...even insist on her not going if I have to,_ I thought. I knew I didn't deserve to have a say in the matter, but I certainly wanted to. Surely, Edward would have done the same.

It was then that I remembered the only fight I had ever witnessed between Edward and Bella. It had occurred about a month before we were to ship out to Iraq, and as I reminisced, I realized I didn't have a shot in hell at talking sense to her.

* * *

_Edward and I were sitting in their tiny kitchen, drinking beers and shooting the shit when Bella came home, her smile brighter than I'd ever seen it. She was positively beaming._

"_I got it, Edward!" she screamed, throwing her arms around his neck. "I'm so happy!"_

"_Well, I'm happy that you're happy, baby, but I'm confused. What exactly did you get?" Edward was grinning at her with nothing but pride and love in his eyes._

"_The counseling position in the shelter, Edward. We talked about this," she replied._

"_The one in Columbia Heights?" he asked, frustration suddenly evident in his voice._

"_Yes, that's the one," she murmured quietly._

_Edward's expression immediately darkened as he ran his hands through his unruly hair. He took a deep breath, pinched his nose between his fingers and then faced Bella once again. "No," was all he said._

"_Excuse me?" Bella asked. "I must be hearing things, Edward, because I swore I just heard you tell me that I couldn't take the job that I've been wanting for over a year." Her arms were firmly planted across her chest. She was gloriously beautiful when she was pissed off._

"_You heard me. I said no," he said firmly. "It's too fucking dangerous. I am not about to let my future wife work in one of the most dangerous parts of D.C., worrying about whether or not she'll come home to me in one piece every day. I won't stand for it."_

_I flinched, knowing full well that he'd just royally fucked up. I turned towards Bella and watched the range of emotions cross her face, finally settling on fury. _

"_Uh, guys," I began and stood, hoping to simultaneously extricate myself from their argument and diffuse it slightly. "I think I should get going."_

"_Sit, Jasper," Bella ordered, and as usual, I did as I was told. "You should hear this, too, just in case you ever get any stupid ideas about telling Alice what she can and cannot do with her life. Maybe you'll think twice about it before saying something as messed up as Edward just did."_

"_Bella, enough -" Edward stated, but she cut him off._

"_No, Edward. I've had about all the shit I'm going to take from you right now. You're opinion on this is something I won't stand for," she spat out, using his own words against him._

"_Please, honey, be reasonable," Edward pleaded._

"_Reasonable? You want reason, Edward? Okay, how's this?" She stormed towards him and poked him in the chest._

"_Screw you and your double standards. I have been nothing but supportive of you and your dreams for as long as we've known each other. You wanted to be a sniper, and I backed you, knowing full well that some day you could be sent away from me and get killed. I didn't beg or plead with you not to go when you told me they were sending you to Iraq. Instead, I told you I loved you and to come home safe to me. Not once did I tell you no. And now you have the unmitigated gall to tell me that you won't allow me to work in an unsafe part of town because you're worried about me not coming home in one piece? Where the fuck do you think you're going off to, Edward? Disneyland? And now, when I finally find the one thing that I want to do, the thing that will help occupy my mind so that I'm not constantly thinking of you coming home to me in a body bag...you have the balls to tell me 'no?' How dare you, Edward Cullen? How dare you?"_

_She stopped yelling for a moment, her chest heaving with the sobs that were threatening to break forth. Edward was silent, too stunned at her outburst to form words. I could see him struggling with everything she had said, and I felt his frustration acutely._

_Being a Marine is more than just a job. It's a way of life. You do what you do without question, and while thoughts of your loved ones are never far from your mind, you place them in a tiny little compartment and lock it up tightly while you're doing your job. If you don't, if you allow your emotions into your work, you had the potential to not only jeopardize your mission, but put yourself and your brothers in mortal danger. Sometimes it was difficult to remember to unlock it. You forget that there are real people, with real fears and feelings waiting for you and counting on you to come back to them. That was exactly what Edward was dealing with._

_Edward stepped forward and pulled Bella into his arms, burying his face in the crook of her neck. "I'm sorry, honey. I'm so, so sorry."_

"_It's okay, Edward. I know you're just worried about me, and I love you for it, but I can't just sit here next to the phone every day, waiting for news that you're safe. I have to do something, something I enjoy, or I'll go insane. Surely you can understand that?" she cried into his chest._

"_I can, and I do. Just promise me you'll do everything you can to protect yourself," he begged._

"_Only if you promise the same," she whispered softly._

* * *

Clearly, insisting that Bella not go to Darfur was out of the question unless, of course, I wanted my balls handed to me on a platter. I had even less right to ask that of her than Edward had in regards to the shelter. But still, the very thought of her being anywhere near all that danger set my nerves on edge. _No,_ I thought. _That just won't do._

I knew I would need to discuss it with her rationally when the time was right, and if she still insisted, then I would be forced to support her and accept it. Outside of kidnapping her and whisking her away to some far-off private island – which, at that particular moment, sounded like a great idea - I didn't think I had any other choice.

A quick glance at the clock broke me from my thoughts, and I realized I had spent the better part of the morning worrying over things that were completely out of my control. Bella would be back in a few hours, and I decided to step outside for some fresh air, hoping it would help clear my mind of the warring thoughts and emotions that were coursing through me before I would see her again. The last thing I wanted was for her to see me like this. I wasn't sure I was ready to cop to everything I was feeling at that particular moment in time.

I threw on my coat and left the room, stepping out of the hotel into the overcast day. It had stopped snowing, and everything was coated in a perfect blanket of white. I turned right, not really heading towards anywhere in particular, just needing to walk.

I walked for God knows how long, not paying much attention to anyone or anything, until I saw a sign for an internet cafe. Suddenly, my curiosity got the best of me and I decided to do some research. If I had any shot at talking Bella out of going to Darfur, I needed to be armed with the best possible information. I quickly walked inside and paid for thirty minutes of time.

The first think I did was Google Darfur. I felt like an idiot for being so ill-informed, but I had spent the better part of five years in the middle of a desert, where contact with the outside world rarely consisted of more than three week old newspapers, letters from friends and family and the occasional satellite call.

I clicked on the Wikipedia entry and began to read, my stomach churning from the words on the screen. Emmett was right. It was dangerous. _Too dangerous. _ When people weren't worried about being shot during armed attacks, they had to contend with being forced from their homes, getting gang raped, separated from their loved ones, catching a disease because of poor sanitary conditions, and, of course, starving to death. I was correct in my earlier assessment of it. Bella was literally and willingly walking into the mouth of Hell.

My mind immediately questioned what kinds of security forces were on the ground, which led me to finding the UNAMID website. I knew for a fact that the US had yet to send troops to that part of the world, but there was a small contingent of participating countries with peacekeeping forces in the region. There were only about 21,000 troops to protect over three million displaced people. I shivered at the imbalance of it all. There was no way Bella's safety could be guaranteed.

Needing a break from the nervous pounding of my heart, I quickly went to the ICRC website, specifically researching where they were concentrating their efforts. It seemed that most of what they did revolved around caring for displaced persons in the larger refugee camps, providing food, health care, counseling and educational services for those with nowhere else to turn. I felt slightly relieved that Bella would be surrounded by so many people, knowing that she would be in a place with more security and therefore less likely to be attacked. Still, it didn't sit well with me.

My time finally expired and I was grateful for it. I didn't think I could stomach any more of what I'd been reading, anyways. I stood from the chair, closing my eyes and rolling my neck from side to side. When it was tight, it was a sure sign that I was under stress.

It was an odd feeling, being so wrapped up in thoughts of someone other than myself. I wasn't sure what to make of it, and even more unsure as to whether or not I liked it. On the one hand, I enjoyed having no one to answer to and doing what I wanted, when I wanted to. But on the other hand, I had to admit to myself it was a pretty lonely existence.

I also couldn't stop thinking that in some way, I was being presented an opportunity. For what, I couldn't have told you, but after years of existing for no one other than myself, I decided to relax and let it play out. In truth, there wasn't much that could happen to make my life worse than it already was. Emboldened by my decision, I left the internet cafe and made my way back out to the streets of London.

On the way back to the hotel, a quirky little shop window caught my eye, and without even thinking about it, I soon found myself standing inside. It was lovely, really. Every available wall and surface was filled to the brim with antique clocks and books. I was walking past a small counter when I noticed a book title that stood out to me and I gravitated towards it immediately.

The binding was made of dark brown leather that was faded in several places. A frayed red ribbon bookmark hung over the side of it. Because of the condition, it was immediately obvious to me that someone had loved it tremendously. Flipping it open, I smiled to myself and searched for something I hadn't read in years.

"Ah, a Cummings fan, I see," a sweet, elderly voice said from behind me.

"Yes, ma'am, I suppose I am," I chuckled, turning to face her. I found the poem I was looking for and sighed. "How much?" I asked, gently closing the book.

"I haven't even had a chance to price it, yet. Someone left it on my doorstep this morning. It was rather odd, actually. Usually, people bring their books in here for me to purchase and then resell, but this one was just sitting there, all by itself, looking a bit lonely and worse for wear," she replied.

"Please, name your price. Whatever it is, I'll pay it."

"Well," she began, "since I didn't actually pay for it, I'd feel guilty charging you for it. You seem rather attached to it, so something tells me it was meant for you. Take it, young man. It's yours."

I tried to object, but she was having none of it. She wrapped it in soft fabric and tied a ribbon around it, then handed it to me.

"Thank you, ma'am," I said with a smile, and she grinned at me.

"You're quite welcome," she replied. "His poems are beautiful. Make sure you read some aloud to your girlfriend. She's sure to swoon."

I chuckled. "I don't have a girlfriend, ma'am."

"Well, then, read them to the woman you're interested in. The effect will be the same." She winked at me and I waved at her as I walked out the door.

Knowing that I was taking Bella out to dinner later that night, I opted for a quick lunch and then made my way back to the hotel. When I got to my room, I decided I needed a nap. I set my alarm for 4:30pm, flopped down on the bed and opened the book I had acquired earlier that day. I read through several of the poems before stopping and reading my favorite over and over again.

Reading it should have crushed me. After all that had happened to me, it should have shattered my already damaged heart. But once again, hope was floating to the surface. Hope that one day, the emotions expressed in it would belong to me...that I would own them so willingly and completely. I couldn't avoid what I had been trying to tamp down any longer.

I wasn't a complete fool. I knew seeing Bella was the catalyst for the storm brewing inside me, and although I wasn't yet prepared to admit it out loud, I could no longer deny that the feelings I was having were entirely too strong to be those of simple friendship. The protective urges, the gentle touches, the sweet words...

The question was, could I act upon it? I fell asleep with the book across my chest, warring with myself over the path I _wanted_ to take versus the one I knew I _should_ take, still no closer to an answer.

* * *

The alarm went off and I sat straight up, the book flying from my chest to the floor. I was disoriented, trying to recall the dream I'd been having. Bits and pieces started coming back to me, and then suddenly, I remembered everything.

_Edward and I were in a pub, each drinking a pint of beer. "Did you like the book?" he asked with a cocky grin._

"_How do you know about that?" I was shocked and didn't attempt to hide it._

"_For someone so smart, I swear you can be a real idiot sometimes, Jasper. I know about it because I left it for you." He took a long pull from his glass and smiled. "Damn, I miss beer."_

_I was confused. "Wait...you're the one the woman was talking about? The one who left the book on the doorstep of her shop?"_

"_Duh," was his reply._

"_But why?" I asked. "I don't understand any of this."_

"_Jesus, Jas. Do I have to spell it out for you?" he teased. "B-E-L-L-A, jackass. It's time."_

"_Time for what?" I shook my head, utterly lost._

"_Time for the both of you to start living again. You need each other, you just don't know it yet," he said._

"_Wait a minute. Are you telling me that you set this whole thing up? The cancellations, the conference, the hotel, and now the book?" The shock must have been written all over my face._

_I watched as his smile broadened. "Well, I may have had a little help," he winked and pointed up to the sky. "But yeah, that's basically correct."_

"_I still don't understand. Are you saying that you actually want Bella and I to be together?" I asked._

"_I want you both to be happy, and if the only way for that to happen is for you to be together, then yeah, that's what I'm saying," he replied, taking another big gulp of his beer._

"_But Edward, she's your girl. Isn't that, like, cheating on you or something?"_

"_Jasper, it's only considered adultery if the person you're cheating on is actually alive," he chuckled._

_I winced at his words, and his face softened. "You know I don't blame you, right?"_

"_I don't know how you can't," I responded, looking anywhere but at him._

_He clapped one of his hands on my shoulder and rose from his bar stool. "I've had a long time to think about this, Jas, so let me leave you with this. You need to forget about the past, because wallowing in it is only serving to hold you back from your future. Everything happens for a reason. I realize that now more than ever. You deserve to be happy, Jasper, and I'm positive you'll find that in Bella."_

_I turned towards him and watched as he began to walk away. He spun around quickly and stood in the doorway of the pub, smiling at me. "Well, what are you still doing in that seat, Whitlock? Get your ass up and go get our girl."_

The sane side of me knew my dream couldn't have been real, but at that moment, I couldn't have been bothered to care. There was a clarity to my thoughts that hadn't been present in me in a very long time. Dream or no dream, I would take my best friend's advice because suddenly, I knew exactly what it was I wanted.

Come hell or high water, I was going to get the girl.


	5. Take Words with Yourselves

_**A/N: I'm back! I would like to take this opportunity to thank all of you for your sweet words and the adds to your faves & alerts. I've said it before and I'll say it again...I never thought anyone would even read this story, and yet here you are, not only reading it but being so supportive as well.**_

_**I hope you continue to enjoy this story. This chapter in particular gets a little heavy, but it's important to our hero and heroine to get through these discussions before they can have a chance at moving forward. In the end, I really loved how it turned out. I hope you do, too.**_

_**As usual, SM owns all things Twilight. This plot line, however, is mine.**_

_**

* * *

**_

**Chapter Four**

**Take Words with Yourselves**

Although I had expected the knock on my hotel room door, for some reason, it still shocked me. I had been sitting on the edge of the bed with my head in my hands, forcing myself to breathe deeply and focus on the task ahead when the knock shook me from my thoughts. Excitement and, admittedly, a bit of trepidation bubbled up from somewhere deep inside me. I inhaled sharply, pushed my hands against my knees and stood.

When I reached the door, I placed my free hand high against the frame, needing the extra support to hold myself up. I turned the knob gently and opened it. Bella stood on the other side, her back turned to me, looking at the painting mounted on the wall across the hall. When she heard the creak of the opening door, she spun around slowly, and the smile on her face almost knocked my legs out from underneath me. I laughed quietly, thinking how odd it was that I had survived artillery and exploding shrapnel, and yet the sight of one tiny woman could nearly make my heart stop beating.

"Hi," she said quietly, clasping her hands in front of her. She looked about as nervous as I felt.

"Hi yourself," I replied just as softly, afraid that if I spoke any louder, she'd realize my intentions and run away before I found the appropriate time to announce them.

"Are you ready to go?" she asked.

"I am," I nodded. "Let me just grab my coat."

She waited patiently for me in the hall as I slipped on my coat and pocketed my keys and wallet.

"Hungry?" I asked as we walked to the elevator.

She smiled. "I am. One of the presentations ran over today, so I didn't have time to eat anything."

"Well, then," I said as I grabbed one of her tiny hands in mine. "By all means, let's get you some food."

We hailed a taxi after exiting the hotel and I gave the driver instructions to drop us off in Covent Garden, knowing that there were plenty of restaurants for us to choose from once we were there. Plus, we had the added benefit of being able to walk and talk as we toured the city.

The ride was only a short ten minutes from the hotel, and it was quiet. I had so many questions I wanted to ask her, but I didn't know how or where to begin. So instead, I remained silent, simply enjoying the peace between us. I knew there would be plenty of time for talking over the next several days.

Noticing the familiar neighborhood, I asked the driver to stop and let us out and then paid him before exiting the car. I offered Bella my hand to help her from the taxi and she took it, smiling gratefully up at me.

"I thought we could walk around a bit and see if we find something that strikes our fancy," I said, and she nodded in agreement.

The air was cold and crisp, and although there was still a good deal of snow on the ground, she seemed perfectly content to walk with me. When we came up to the crosswalk, she slipped her hand in the crease of my elbow and moved her body closer to mine. Feeling her against me like that made me feel strange, but not in any way that could be misconstrued as awkward or bad. I felt lighter having her next to me, as if her body was the antidote to all the stress and tension I constantly carried with me.

"Are you cold?" I asked.

"A little, but I don't mind it so much," she replied.

I responded by removing her hand from its spot and pulling her closer to me, wrapping my arm around her shoulders. She turned and pressed herself into my side and slid her arm around my waist. As we walked, she rested her cheek against my chest. It was almost too much for me...heaven and hell all wrapped up in one perfect moment.

My body's reaction to having her so close was nearly torturous, and yet I couldn't help myself. The monster in me wanted to consume her, to breathe her in and keep her inside me. But the rational part of me knew it was too soon for that. There was so much we needed to talk through, so much in the air to clear...yes, it really was heaven and hell.

There was also the very real possibility that she wouldn't want me the way I knew I wanted her. For all I knew, she saw our situation as a lucky accident - just two old friends reconnecting and reminiscing about lives that were no longer our own. The thought of that felt like someone had ripped a gaping hole open in my chest, and I pushed the pain of it deep down inside me. I knew if I allowed it to, it would fester and wreak havoc on my emotions, causing me to doubt everything I had come to terms with over the past twenty-four hours.

I inhaled deeply and refocused my thoughts. _Hope_. That was all that I had room for inside me. There was no place for fear and uncertainty. It had to be that way - for my sake, for Bella's...even for Edward's.

I was so lost in my thoughts that I hadn't realized we had stopped walking.

"This looks promising," Bella said, staring through the windows of an intimate, candle-lit bistro. "Can we?" She looked up at me, her cheek still pressed against my chest.

I gave her shoulder a gentle squeeze and released it. "Whatever you want, Bella," I smiled as I led her by the hand through the door.

We were seated in a quiet corner, and I was grateful for the distance we had from the other patrons. There were things that needed to be said between us, and they were best discussed without an audience.

Bella and I sat in silence for several minutes once the wine had been poured and our meals were ordered. I sat with both of my hands rested on the top of the table, staring at them as if they were the only thing anchoring me to my seat. I was getting angry with myself. Apparently the connection between my brain and my mouth had been severed at some point, because I couldn't get a word out. I noticed Bella shift in her seat as she took in my fists, which I continued to clench and unclench. Thankfully, she had the presence of mind to speak, because I certainly wasn't getting anything out of my mouth any time soon, it seemed.

"So, uh, this is...awkward," she teased, chuckling lightly.

I shook my head and allowed a small smile to cross my face. "I have so much I want to talk to you about, but I just don't know where to begin."

"Why don't we take this slowly, okay?" she asked, and I nodded. "I'll start. How have you been since the last time I saw you?"

I let out a heavy breath. "I think we need to go even slower than that, Bella. I don't think I'm ready to get into that particular conversation just yet. Can we start with something simpler?"

She grinned at me, silently agreeing to my request. "Alright, then. Tell me about Sniper Scout School."

That was easy enough. "Well, near the end of my last tour, I tried to sign up for another - "

She cut me off. "Why on earth would you do something stupid like that?"

I laughed out loud. "Honestly, Bella, I don't know. I didn't have anything or anyone to come home to with the exception of Emmett and Rose, so it just seemed like right the decision at the time. It's the only life I know now."

She shook her head and sighed, looking sad. Thank God it seemed to look more like concern for my well-being rather than pity. I certainly didn't think I could have handled that. Not from her, at any rate. "I'm sorry I interrupted you," she whispered. "Go on."

"So, my C.O. told me that my request had been denied by the Corps, saying that I had orders to report for a different position instead. Because of my length of service and record, they wanted me as an instructor."

"That's so impressive, Jasper, really!" She exclaimed.

"It sounds a whole lot more exciting than it really is," I shrugged.

"How so?" she asked.

"Well, I kind of lived for the action of being out in the field, you know? But now...now I'll be on a repetitive cycle. Every eight weeks I'll have a new group of men to train, and every day will be the same. No excitement, no adrenaline, nothing. I can't imagine anything worse than that." I shook my head and sighed.

"I can think of a whole lot worse than that, Jasper," she said softly, and I understood her meaning clearly without having to ask. She was right, of course. There certainly were worse things in life than the constant repetition, day in and day out, but for someone like me, it felt like a death sentence. Perhaps if I had someone to come home to, to care for even, I would see it as a blessing. But at that moment, I had neither of those things.

I suddenly felt like a selfish bastard. There I was, complaining about a job I didn't want, while that amazing woman sat across from me, mourning the life she could have had with someone else. Had Edward still been alive, I was sure that the path I was currently on would be one he would have followed. If he had lived, he would have come home and married her, and most certainly taken the position I was about to hold. Guilt tore through me once again.

"I know," I replied sadly. "I'm sorry, Bella. I'm sorry for being so selfish. I know I should be grateful for what I've been given, but I find it so hard to be appreciative when it feels like I'm living a lie."

"How is it a lie?" she asked.

I stalled, not really knowing how to explain it without hurting her. "It's just that, well, I feel like I've been given the opportunity to live the life that someone else was supposed to have."

She looked pointedly at me then. "You mean Edward, don't you?"

"Yes," I said so softly it was barely a whisper.

Without warning, Bella reached across the table and slowly unclenched my fists, slipping her tiny hands in my own and squeezing tightly. "But don't you see, Jasper? He would have wanted this for you. He would have wanted you to live..._really live_...and you've been given the opportunity to do just that. Can't you understand that you would be doing his memory a great disservice by not following through with this? Can't you see that by not carrying on, you're spitting in the face of the wind and only hurting yourself?"

She was right. Of course she was right. There wasn't one part of what she'd said to me that Emmett hadn't already said, or that I hadn't already told myself. But moving forward, taking those vital steps, was so hard when all I could think about was the past and what actions I could have taken to undo the damage I had caused.

"I'm scared, Bella," I admitted. "I don't know how to move forward. I've lived so long in a world of 'what if's' and 'if only's' that I just don't know where to begin."

I looked up at her then, startled by the beauty of her smile as it glowed above the candlelight. Again, I saw no pity in her face, but rather an almost fierce determination mixed with..._affection_? She squeezed my hand tightly again. "I know you're scared. But I promise you, you won't have to go through this alone. You're home and you're alive. _You're alive!_ So live, Jasper. Live and be happy, and I promise I'll be there to help you every step of the way."

"Thank you, Bella," was all I could say, because I would never have the words to appropriately explain the depths of gratitude I had for what she had said to me. I would have to show her. Where words failed, actions would have to provide the meaning. _For the moment_, I thought, _that had to be enough._

The conversation turned lighter as we ate, though it did nothing to ease the tension that had settled within me. It only grew stronger as I watched her pop mussels into her mouth as she told me funny stories about her family and friends. The life in her eyes was startling, and only served to increase the already intolerable physical reaction my body had to her. I needed a distraction, and I needed one fast.

"So," I began, "Tell me about your job."

Her face visibly brightened at my question. The passion for her work literally emanated straight out of her eyes. "I wouldn't even know where to begin. I mean, I love it so much. Even when it's stressful – and it's always stressful – it fulfills me like nothing I've ever done before.

"I work mostly as a counselor to women and children who have pretty much known nothing but poverty and violence for most of their lives. It's my job to provide them with emotional support and to give them the tools they need to get to a point in their lives where they recognize that they have value and that they're better than the world that they were brought into. Sometimes it's just a hug that's needed, or a shoulder to cry on. Other times it's more in-depth than that. A lot of the people I work with have been so traumatized by their situations in life that they can barely function, let alone take care of themselves or their loved ones. It's my responsibility to provide them with the knowledge they need to rebuild their lives."

"I understand you've traveled a lot. Where have you been?" I asked, hoping to lead her into the topic of why she would risk her personal safety in order to be able to go back to Darfur.

"I think the better question is, where haven't I been?" she laughed. "I've been to Haiti, South America, all over the Middle East, parts of Asia and most recently, Africa. Tragedy and war know no boundaries, it seems."

"So, where in Africa?" I prodded.

"Are you sure you want an answer to that question? You won't like it," she replied, looking down at her plate.

"Tell me," I said.

"Darfur."

"Why?" I asked. "It's so unstable there right now, Bella. It's too dangerous."

"Because I have to," was her quiet response.

"I'm sorry, Bella, but that's not a good enough answer. No one willingly puts themselves in that kind of danger 'because they have to'."

Suddenly, the passive look on her face turned to anger. It was frighteningly beautiful, and if I hadn't been so afraid of her response, I probably would have grabbed her and kissed the breath out of her.

"Why not? That excuse seemed to work just fine for you and Edward!" she raged, making me wince.

"Bella, that was our job. We had no choice as to where they sent us," I reasoned.

"How is that different from what I'm doing? You willingly signed up for the Marines knowing you could be sent off somewhere dangerous, but you did it anyways. It's no different for me. I knew the risks I would be taking. It's my job, Jasper. I go where I'm needed, and that's the end of it."

She was right. Of course, she was. But I was completely okay with being called a hypocrite if it would serve to keep her out of harm's way. "But can't you request to stay stateside? Surely they have opportunities for you closer to home, right?"

"You don't understand, Jasper, I _have_ to go back to Darfur," she said, her earlier rage now transforming into something softer, sadder.

"Give me one good reason, Bella. Just one and I'll let this go without another word," I demanded.

She stared off at some point behind my head for what felt like minutes, unshed tears pooling in her big brown eyes, before returning to lock her gaze with mine. "Asmina," she whispered almost reverently.

"Who is Asmina?" I asked, confused.

"She's an orphan refugee. She's ten years old, and, God, Jasper, she's so beautiful and smart, and so alone in the world...and she...and I...I need her as much as she needs me," she sobbed, now letting the tears fall freely.

I felt like all of the air had been sucked out of my lungs. Of all the reasons I considered as to why Bella would willingly go back to Darfur, that certainly wasn't one of them. Worse, I realized quickly that there would be no talking her out of going now. All I could do was support her and be there for her if she needed me. In all my life, I had never felt more useless than I did at that moment.

"Shh, Bella. It's okay," I soothed as I wiped the tears from her cheeks. "I understand. Well, actually, I don't understand, but I'll try. I promise. I'm here for you, okay?"

She nodded and took a few moments to collect herself before responding. "Thank you, Jas. Would you like to see a picture of her?"

"Of course I would," I replied.

I waited patiently as she dug through her bag. When she handed me the photograph, I inhaled sharply. The image staring back at me was of Bella and an extremely thin little girl with large, knowing eyes, their arms wrapped around each others waists. What struck me most, though, was the way the girl was staring at Bella with nothing but adoration, and moreover, the large smile on her face. There seemed to be so much grief and sadness in her eyes for someone so young, but there was also great joy to be with the woman sitting across from me written all over her face.

"Tell me about her," I said, handing the picture back to her.

Bella's entire face lit up at my request. "She's so unbelievably amazing, Jasper. She's from a small village in the south that was raided by the Janjaweed. Her entire family was killed right in front of her eyes – her mother and older sister were raped first, and she was forced to watch. From what she told me, the only reason she got away was because some rebel gunfire went off just before they got to her. She was terrified, but she had the presence of mind to run. She hid for days with a few of the villagers that were able to escape, and somehow, some way, she finally ended up in Gereida camp, where I've been working.

"When she arrived so was nearly dead. Malnourished, dehydrated...there wasn't a spot on her body that didn't have some sort of cut or bruise on it. Her hair had to be completely shaved off because it was completely infested with lice. It took us months to get her up to some semblance of a healthy weight.

"Now that she's better, she's taken it upon herself to be sort of a mother hen to the rest of the orphans, looking out for the little ones, playing with them or just holding them when they need it. She still has horrible nightmares and sometimes wakes up screaming, but she refuses to talk about them. She says it's her past, and she only wants to think about her future. Sometimes I'll listen to her, and it's as if a grown woman is standing before me. Everything that comes out of her mouth is profound, and she never minces words.

"She's so bright, too. She has a voracious appetite for knowledge. I've taught her to read and write in English, which is remarkable considering she was practically illiterate when she came to us. She never quits. It's always, 'What does this mean?' or "How do you say that word?'. There are nights when she'll sneak into my tent and wake me up just to ask me how to spell something."

Bella paused for a moment and chuckled, before her face turned serious once again.

"Almost every terrible thing you can possibly imagine has been visited upon this child, and she's handled it with nothing but grace and fierce determination. Every time I look at her, she's a stark reminder to me that no matter how bad things in my life may get, it could always, _always_ be worse."

Her description of Asmina struck a place in me so deep that it left my mind reeling. How this girl, this _child_ could find a way forward after everything she'd been through while I was still stuck in a past I had no control over...the shame I felt at that realization was so intense that I began to shake. Angry tears spilled from my eyes, startling Bella.

"Hey, Jas...what's wrong?" she asked, concerned.

"I'm so ashamed, Bella. That poor girl...Jesus, what she went through...and came out the other side stronger...and here I am...wallowing in my own self-pity..." I stammered out between sobs.

Bella gripped my hand tightly and shook it. "Do you see now why I need her so much? She's the reason I'm whole again, Jasper. She's what pulled me through the darkness. She's the epitome of all that's good and right in the world, and she means everything to me."

Once again, she astounded me and I steeled my resolve. I roughly wiped the tears from my cheeks as I let Bella's words sink in. I would live. I would spend every day being grateful for what I had been given. If not for me, then for her. I owed her and, truth be told, Edward, that much. Too many sacrifices had already been made on my behalf, and I decided there and then that, for the rest of my life, I would honor those sacrifices simply by living.

It was if, suddenly, everything became clear to me. In that very moment, I let go of the sadness and anger, and let the feelings of peace and calm wash over me. Like Bella and Asmina, I wanted to be a whole person again. No, I _needed_ to be a whole person again, and knew that Bella would be the one to help me put myself back together again.

* * *

Even though the temperature had dropped significantly, Bella and I decided to take a walk after dinner. She curled herself into my side, and I'd never been more grateful to feel the chill in the air. As we strolled, the conversation once again turned to heavier things, but by that point, I didn't want to hold back. I felt like the last several days had been a cleansing of my soul, and every time I spoke, I felt better...lighter.

"Hey, Jas?"

"Yes, Bella?" I replied.

"Are you seeing someone right now?" she asked.

I stopped dead in my tracks. It was a simple question, one I had wanted to ask of her as well, though I didn't know how to broach it with her. I chuckled, realizing that yet again, the brave girl in my arms had led the conversation in the direction I wanted it to go but hadn't known how to bring up.

"I've spent the last year in the middle of the desert, Bella, so no, I'm not seeing anyone at the moment." What I didn't say – what I couldn't tell her – was that I had been to chicken shit to even consider a relationship..at least that was the case before I ran into her.

"Will you tell me what happened with Alice?" She was pleading with me with her eyes, and though I didn't particularly want to talk about that part of my life, I felt I owed her an explanation. I spotted a bench that was clear of snow and led her over to it, pulling her down to sit next to me. I couldn't have stood when I told that story, and I was certain when she had heard the end of it, she'd want to be sitting down as well. The truth of the matter was, her whole life changed because of it.

"The day that Edw - " I quickly stopped myself and began again. "I received a letter from Alice the morning of the...accident. Three weeks had passed from when she wrote it until the time it finally reached me. I had been pretty bummed out by then, because it seemed her letters were coming fewer and farther in between, so I was really excited when that one came."

As if Bella sensed what was coming, her grip on my waist and hand grew tighter, giving me the support I needed to go on.

"Turns out, it was the most destructive Dear John letter of all time," I spat out. "She told me that she had met someone else and that she was going to marry him."

I heard Bella inhale sharply. "Oh, God, Jas. I'm so sorry."

"Just wait, it gets better," I said, unable to mask the bitterness in my voice. "She went on to tell me that the baby she had led me to believe was mine wasn't my child after all. Apparently, she'd been sleeping with the guy even when I was home on leave. She sent her engagement ring back to me in that very envelope. She actually taped it to the inside. How's that for class, huh? So, now you know why I was such a mess that day, and why Edward took point for me. My screwed up life and my bitch of an ex are the reason why I'm sitting with you here right now instead of Edward. I made bad choices and even worse decisions, and you were the lucky ones who paid for them. How fucked up is that?"

I couldn't look her in the eye when I finished speaking for fear of what I would find reflecting back at me. I was certain I would see nothing but pity, anger and disgust, but of course, I had once again thoroughly misjudged Bella Swan.

With a force I didn't expect possible from such a tiny person, Bella lifted her hands and gripped both sides of my face and turned my head so I had no choice other than to look directly at her. "I'm only going to say this to you one more time. The only person to be blamed for what happened that day was the one who built that bomb."

"I know, Bella, but - " she placed one of her hands over my mouth, refusing to let me continue.

"Let me finish, Jasper. What Alice did to you was unforgivable, and I want totally want to beat the shit out of her for causing you such pain, but what happened to Edward was not your fault and it didn't stem from your so-called 'screwed up life'. It was a bomb, Jas. A stupid, violent, fucking bomb that killed him. You need to stop blaming yourself..._right now_...or you'll never heal."

I couldn't help the small smile that rose from my lips against her hand. Before she could pull away, I brought one of my own hands up to cover hers and gently kissed her palm.

"What's that smile for?" she asked, returning one in kind.

"You're the second person to tell me that same exact thing within the last twenty-four hours," I replied.

"Sounds like a smart person to me," she giggled.

"I've called Emmett a lot of things in my lifetime, but I'm pretty sure smart was never one of them," I teased.

"Well, his I.Q. has definitely risen a few points since he married Rose," she laughed, and just like that, the tension and stress of the moment dissolved away into nothingness.

I leaned my head back against the bench and looked at Bella..._really_ looked at her. I had always thought she was a beautiful woman, but being with her at that time, in that very place, well, that word no longer seemed to do her justice.

"What are you thinking about?" she asked, still smiling.

"You, actually," I responded truthfully.

"Oh yeah? And what were you thinking about me?"

As if it had a mind of its own, my hand reach up and caressed her cheek. "I was thinking that the word beautiful isn't enough to describe you, inside or out."

Her mouth moved to form the shape of an 'O', but no sound came out.

"Hey, Bella?"

"Yes, Jasper?" she replied, barely above a whisper.

"Are you seeing anyone right now?"

"No," was her reply.

"Do you think you would want to any time soon?" And there it was. I had laid my cards out on the table, and it was her turn to either fold or go all in.

"Yes," she murmured softly as she locked her eyes with mine. "I think I would like that very much."


	6. See Me Through

_**A/N: Once again, thank you for all of the reviews, PM's, adds to alerts and faves. You people really know how to make me smile.**_

_**So, we're changing things up with the title for this chapter. Instead of a phrase from the Book of Hosea, we're going with a song title. Check out the lyrics to Van Morrison's "See Me Through." It fits with where we're going with this...in more ways than one. This one is a little shorter than the rest, but it's setting up big things. I had to stop it where I did for very good reasons. You'll see soon enough. Trust me?**_

_**As always, SM owns all things Twilight related. I own the plot to this little ditty.**_

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**Chapter Five**

**See Me Through**

Nine words.

"_Yes, I think I would like that very much."_

Nine words was all it took to change the course of my life...again. How different and beautiful those were compared to the nine that altered everything so terribly so many years ago. Four years ago, they were "I'm so sorry Jasper, but the baby isn't yours." Those words stole every ounce of joy from my heart.

But by simply vocalizing her affirmations, Bella filled that void. Profound happiness swept over me as I looked at the woman next to me.

"So what do we do now?" she asked, so softly I had barely heard her.

I chuckled and shook my head. "I haven't the foggiest. I'm a little out of practice with these sorts of things."

"I guess we could just go with what feels natural and see what happens." The way Bella said it, it seemed more like a question than a statement.

The sweetness of her uncertainty moved me so, and before I could even think about what I was doing, I had my arms wrapped around her in a tight embrace. "I think that's a wonderful idea."

Her tiny arms embraced me just as tightly as she exhaled. "This feels natural. I think I like the direction we're moving in."

We laughed together for a while, partly from her attempt at a joke, but mostly, I thought, out of sheer relief at getting out what we'd both been feeling and thinking. As our laughter subsided, I pulled back slightly so that I could see her face. "We'll take this as slowly as you need to, okay? There's no rush. I'm here, and I'm not going anywhere."

She nodded in understanding and moved to rest her head against my chest. We sat together on the bench, content to simply hold one another until I felt Bella shiver in my arms. "Let's get you back. We have a few more days here together, and I'd hate to have to spend them nursing you back from pneumonia."

I released her and stood, offering my hand to help her up from the bench. We walked hand in hand back to the hotel in silence, and I was grateful to have been allowed the peace and quiet to process everything we had spoken of that evening. My world had shifted – altered irrevocably – that night, but I had yet to learn the extent of it. For the first time in what felt like forever, I welcomed thoughts of the future.

We stopped just outside of Bella's door when we reached it. I gripped both of her hands tightly in my own, and bent slightly forward so I could see her eyes more clearly in the dimmed light of the hallway. Her face was mere inches from mine; her breath was a whisper across my cheeks.

"I don't want to let you go yet, but I know I should," I told her.

She smiled at me then, the warmth radiating from it enveloping me like an embrace. "I don't want to let you go either, but you're right, we should...for now."

The look in her eyes told me everything I needed to know in that moment, and with hope overwhelming every part of me, I made a bold decision. I released her hands and brought mine up to cradle her face. "Sleep well, Bella," I whispered as I allowed my mouth to linger against cheek.

The corners of her lips curved upwards as I continued on, peppering first her forehead, then eyelids with tender kisses. Although it was perfect and gentle, the current that ran between us was powerful and threatened to bring me to my knees. Her body melted against mine and I had to force myself to pull back, knowing that I wouldn't be able to stop if I were to let it carry on any longer. One more second spent next to her would have caused my mouth to cover hers, and I just wasn't sure we were ready for that yet.

I gathered her into my arms and rested my forehead against hers. She sighed deeply, and I wasn't sure if it was out of contentment or disappointment. Pulling my head back to look at her, I realized it was the former.

Her eyes opened, searching my face – for what I didn't know, but I hoped she saw what she needed to in my expression. She must have, because the next words out of her mouth would stay with me for the rest of my life.

"Everything is going to change now, isn't it?" she asked, her hands fisted tightly into the back of my shirt.

"God, I hope so," I replied.

* * *

Sleep eluded me for a long time that night. My mind was on a constant loop, replaying our conversations over and over again until I was certain I could recite them verbatim. I wondered again at my good fortune and how so much in my life had changed in only forty-eight hours.

My thoughts soon took on a life of their own, making plans for the days and weeks – and if I was being truly honest, the months and years – to come. I couldn't shut them off no matter how hard I tried. Things were still so fresh and uncertain between us, so in order to rein myself in, I chose to focus on simply making plans for the following day.

Restless, I grabbed my laptop and sat down on the bed, flopping back against the headboard with such a force that I was certain Bella could probably hear it through the adjoining wall. Of course, that distracted me momentarily. Knowing that she was only mere feet away from me did nothing to calm me. Rather, I found myself wondering about ridiculous things like what side of the bed she preferred to sleep on and what kind of pajamas she wore. And then I wondered if she even wore pajamas at all, which only served to make my already profound ache for her even worse.

Groaning out loud, I forced the thoughts of a naked Bella out of my head and began researching places to see and things to do that I knew she would enjoy while we still had time together. I spent hours planning out the next several days and making the necessary arrangements. I hoped the choices I had made would please her, because her happiness had quickly become my biggest priority. It would always be paramount to my own, and making her smile would be the only motivation I would ever need.

When I was finally exhausted enough to sleep, I set my alarm for the crack of dawn and settled under the covers. I drifted off to thoughts of the perfect woman on the other side of the wall.

That was the first night in years that I didn't dream of Edward.

* * *

The alarm went off at seven, and I shot out of bed. I had several things to take care of before I woke Bella, and I didn't have much time to do it if we were to get on the road early enough. I showered and got dressed, then stopped to write a quick note to Bella in case she woke before I got back, letting her know that I had a few errands to run.

Before leaving the hotel, I slipped the note under her door. I hailed a taxi and gave him the directions to the car rental place. I had decided to get a Land Rover, thinking it would be large enough to hold the small amount of luggage we would be carrying, but also comfortable enough for the two-plus hour drive we would be taking.

I tossed the keys to the valet when I returned to the hotel and asked him to keep it nearby since we would hopefully be leaving within the hour. Once that was taken care of, I asked the concierge to have a continental breakfast sent up to Bella's room before making my way back upstairs.

When I was finally standing outside her door, the nerves set it. I hoped and prayed that my plans didn't seem too presumptuous. I knew she wanted to spend time with me, but taking her on an overnight trip might have been crossing a line. Steeling my resolve, I knocked, realizing that there was no time like the present to find out.

The door flew open almost immediately, and the excitement on her face calmed my fears instantly. She stepped forward and tugged on my elbow, pulling me into the room.

"You look happy this morning," I noted.

"I have every reason to be," she replied, taking a seat on her bed.

"Is that so?" I asked as I sat down next to her.

She nodded. "We're here in London together, getting to know each other again. What's not to be happy about?"

I couldn't argue with that logic, so instead, I chose to push forward with my plan. "So, I had a bit of a crazy idea last night, and I was hoping you'd like to join me on a little adventure today."

She looked at me pointedly, cocked a single eyebrow and smiled. "What kind of adventure?"

I slid off the bed and knelt down on one knee in front of her, taking her hand and kissing it before placing it over my heart. "Well, I'd like it to be a surprise, but I can give you a few clues. It would involve staying somewhere overnight, but I've booked us each a room if you agree to this. What say you, fair maiden?"

"I would say I think you might have gone a little bit mad, but pray tell, kind sir, what are these clues you speak of?" she replied, playing along.

"Chalk, France, Becket and Chaucer," I counted off on the fingers of my free hand.

Her confused expression was nothing short of adorable as she attempted to figure out exactly what the hell I was talking about, but when she stopped pondering the clues, she simply shrugged and smiled at me. "I'm in. Let's do this."

I jumped up from my spot on the floor, pulled her off the bed and spun her around. I must have looked like a complete fool, but I couldn't contain my excitement.

Once I put her down, I explained that she should dress warmly and that she needed to pack an overnight bag. After letting her know that breakfast would be up shortly, I ran to my room and grabbed my already packed bag. Almost as an afterthought, I took the book of poetry I had bought the day before and tossed it in my bag as well.

* * *

We were on the road an hour later, laughing and talking about nothing in particular. We reminisced about the old days and some of the fun times we shared, but I noticed that we both tiptoed around any topic that struck too close to memories of Edward and Alice. We played Twenty Questions, and I marveled at not only the similarities but differences between us. I knew I would be in a whole world of trouble if we were to move forward with our relationship; there wasn't a doubt in my mind that there would never be a dull moment with Bella around.

The ride passed quickly, and before I knew it, I could see the white cliffs in the distance. When Bella saw them, she whipped her head around and grinned at me. "Chalk!" she shouted. "Your first clue makes sense now. I can't believe you brought me to Dover. This is awesome!"

"It's still early in the day. I thought we'd stop here for a while and then head to our next destination," I said, grinning at her exuberance.

"There's more?" she asked.

"Much more, Bella," I smiled. "So much more."

I pulled off the main highway and onto the road that led to an overlook where we could park and wander for a bit. I turned off the engine and exited the truck, then ran to the passenger side of the car and took Bella's hand in mine.

We made our way to where there was a rail along the cliff, and we stood there, hand in hand, looking out over the Strait of Dover.

"Do you see that?" I asked, pointing across the water to the mass of land in the distance.

She nodded and smiled.

"That's France. Calais, actually. I wish we had more time. I would take you there," I said, moving to stand behind her and wrapping my arms around her waist.

Her head fell back against my shoulder and she sighed softly. "You can take me to France another time," she murmured, making my heart swell. Like me, she was thinking about the future.

We stood, rooted in the spot, comfortably holding each other for several minutes as the magnitude of the moment settled over the both of us. A thought occurred to me then and I chuckled.

"What?" she asked, turning her head to look up at me.

"Standing here reminds me of an old Van Morrison song," I replied.

"Sing it for me?" she asked.

"I don't remember all the words, but I can recite a few." She didn't respond, but rather nodded, prompting me to continue.

_When I feel like I can't get over_

_The solid white cliffs of Dover_

_When I don't know what to do_

_Baby see me through_

I tightened my hold on her, and she rubbed her hands along my arms. I knew she could sense what I was trying to say to her, even if I needed to use someone else's words because my own were failing me.

_Well I've been too long in this storm_

_I feel so sad and forlorn_

_And perhaps I'm counting on you_

_See me through_

Before I could continue, Bella spun in my arms and took my face in her hands. Her eyes locked on mine. "I'm here, Jasper. I told you I would be there for you every step of the way, and I meant it. I'll see you through. I swear to God I will."

Without warning, she slipped her fingers around the base of my neck and pulled my face down to hers, laying the gentlest of kisses against my lips and sealing the promise of her words. My heart was pounding, so much so that I was certain she could actually feel it as she pressed herself against my chest.

I lost myself in the softness of her mouth, unconsciously running my tongue against her lower lip as I wound my fingers through her hair. When hers parted, granting me entrance, I knew I was lost forever. Nothing would ever feel as good as that moment. It was the first time that she allowed me inside of her, both physically and emotionally, and I would treasure the memory of it for the rest of my days.

Time stood still as we lingered there, connected in the most intimate of ways. Everything around us faded – no sound, no light – until it was just the two of us, merely existing for the happiness of one another. I held her tightly, completely unwilling to let her go.

It wasn't until I felt her shivering against me that I focused again on where we were. The wind had picked up, swirling around us in freezing gales that whipped over the cliffs. I pulled back from her, running my hands up and down her arms in a vain attempt to keep her warm.

"C'mon," I said as she smiled up at me. "Let's get out of here before we freeze to death."

I took her hand and attempted to lead her back to the truck, but she was firmly rooted to the spot where she stood. Unable to decipher the expression on her face, I asked her what she was thinking.

She turned to gaze out beyond the cliffs and then returned her eyes to meet mine, sparkling with emotion. "Promise me we'll come back here some day, Jasper."

I gathered her into my arms, once again allowing my joy at the prospect of a future with her to wash over me. "I promise, Bella. There's nothing you can ask of me that I won't give you." It was a foolhardy promise to make, I knew, but I wanted to give her the world, and I would do everything in my power to keep it.

* * *

We pulled into Canterbury around lunchtime and parked in a secure lot since we were unable to drive through the old cobblestone streets. Bella looked around with an expression of wonder on her face, grinning widely.

"Okay, now I get the Becket clue," she laughed. "My God, Jas, this is unbelievable. It's like we're walking into a fairy tale."

We pulled our luggage through the centuries old city as I located our final destination on the map I had printed. We turned onto Sun Street and Bella gasped as I stopped her in front of the Sun Hotel.

"Here we are," I said.

"We're staying here?" she said, gaping at me.

I nodded and gestured for her to walk ahead of me and into the 15th century Tudor-style hotel. It pleased me to no end to see how excited she was. We made our way to the reception desk and I pulled my credit card out of my wallet.

The desk agent smiled and welcomed us as she took my card. "Good afternoon, Mr. Whitlock," she greeted with a thick, proper English accent.

"Hello," I replied. "I have a reservation for two suites, the Sun and the Chaucer, for tonight."

The desk agent stared hard at the computer screen in front of her and a crease formed in between her eyebrows. "I'm sorry sir, but there seems to be some mistake with your reservation. I only see the Sun Suite reserved under your name."

"But that's impossible," I stated. "I have the confirmation right here." I handed her the paper I had printed at the hotel earlier that morning, fighting the urge to cuss a blue streak. The last thing I wanted was for Bella to think that I had intentionally booked only one room.

The woman looked over the sheet of paper and then back at her computer monitor. "I'm so sorry. I don't know how this happened, but it looks as if one of your rooms was canceled earlier today."

"It's alright," I replied, trying to keep the tone of my voice even. "If you can just get us a second room, I would appreciate it."

"I'm afraid I don't have any more rooms available, Mr. Whitlock. We're booked solid tonight. Would you like me to check the availability at any of our neighboring hotels?" she asked.

I was furiously trying not to look angry, but apparently I was failing miserably because at that very moment, Bella placed a hand on my arm. "Jasper, it's okay. These things happen. We can share the one room."

I stared at her, unable to process what she was saying. "Bella, there's only one bed in that room," I said.

"We're both grown-ups," she grinned. "I think we can handle it."

"Are you sure?" I asked. The truth was, I wasn't sure _I_ could handle it. Being around her did things to my body and mind that I was wholly unable to control...things that would certainly be a hindrance to my whole "take things slowly" plan.

"Of course I'm sure," she replied, rolling her eyes and grinning. "If I can sleep in what amounts to nothing more than a glorified tent with ten other people, I can certainly handle sharing a room with you. Come on, don't let this put a damper on what has already been such a perfect day."

I smiled at her and nodded, then turned to the desk agent who winked at me as she handed over the room keys. I was nervous as hell, but I would have been lying if I had said I wasn't thrilled at the thought of spending the night with her without a wall between us.

* * *

"Holy shit!" Bella exclaimed as we entered our room. When she realized she'd said that out loud, she clapped a hand over her mouth and giggled.

"Holy shit is right," I laughed. "That's the biggest bed I've ever seen." We both stood there, gaping at the mother of all four poster beds. It was intricately carved with a headboard that rose all the way to the ceiling where it butted against a wooden canopy.

Bella looked at me and snorted with laughter. "And here you were, worried about sharing a bed with me. That thing is big enough for four people to sleep in without touching."

I know I should have felt nothing but relief, but I didn't. That bed screamed romance, and I could picture Bella and I wrapped up together under the fluffy duvet. There was no way I could crawl into that thing with her and _not_ touch her. I groaned, knowing it was going to be a long, sleepless night for me on the floor.


	7. A Note from Kindall

Dearest Readers,

I'm sorry about the fake-out chapter, but I have some news to share with you and thought this would be the best way to reach out to you.

First, I want to thank each and every one of you who have been so supportive of my little slice of ficdom. You are all truly wonderful, and I cannot express enough how much I enjoy the friendships I've forged with many of you. You mean the world to me.

Now, on to the important bits...

For reasons I'd rather not have to share, I will be deleting my current profile. HOWEVER, that does not mean that my stories are going away. I have created a new profile, and all of my works will eventually be found there. I'll start with my baby, One Thousand Words, and add slowly from there. I realize this means all your lovely comments will be deleted and I'll be starting anew, but it is a necessary step I must take.

I will be leaving my current profile up until Sunday, January 9th. After that, you will have to look for me at WBSerenade. I've already set up that account, so please, go there now and put me on author alert if you want to finish my stories. The good news in all of this is that I finally have a chance to rework some things that I haven't been happy with, and you may even get a surprise or two out of the deal.

I hope you'll follow me to the new site, and look forward to your continued friendships.

Love to you all,

K


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